I had the opportunity to see and visit a girl friend I had not spent any time with in the last year and a half or so due to our busy lives.
My friend Cindy was invited to come to the auction dinner that my kids’ school hosted by a mutual friend.
Cindy, dear Cindy – love her!
She works with my x-husband at the hospital and so it was through him that we have become friends over the years.
She was disappointed to hear that I am divorcing.
My friend Cindy was just so stuck on the idea that divorce negatively effects the children; I don’t remember the exact word she used – but says that no matter what, divorce damages children.
Then went on to say that unless a relationship is abusive people should stay married (if there are children) … and she commented that she thinks too much like Laura Schlessinger.
Well, I just listened to her. Of course she would not hear me when I said my relationship was abusive – emotionally it was abusive (on another day I will recommend some books to read if you think you are in an emotional abusive relationship). But if you know my X and me, you too would be in disbelief to hear this and brush it off with a “Ya right” under your breath. It was not my goal in that moment or anytime for that matter to convince my friend of anything. I was just happy to see her and hear what she has been up to in the last year and an half.
BUT my mind loves to talk to me and so it did in the wee hours of the night before falling asleep. I really must say something about this idea that divorce damaging children. In my case, my children are fine. With some divorces I bet children do suffer and the children pay dearly (my parents divorce was not easy for me). In another article on another day I can share why I think this happens. But for now I want to address the women (and men- but especially women) who really want to leave an unhealthy marriage to honor themselves.
Loyalty and Honor: family loyalty is conflicting with the idea of self loyalty. When does the woman put herself first?
My situation: For years 5 and half years I struggled with the idea of divorcing my husband. I went to counseling; we went to counseling together; in and out of counseling. During the course of those years I had seen three personal counselors and we had seen three together (I had seen six. He had seen three). I put the kids first, because I had been told by nearly every one that a divorce “hurts” the children. Many times I reflected upon my parents divorce and decide “they must” be right. I even agreed at one point to stay married to him until the kids left home after high school. But I tried everything! I honestly worked at saving y marriage for 5 and a half years – getting more tired as time went on with little on no return! To be blatant, my X did not work at our marriage at all in the later years. It was easier for him to tell me how messed up I was. Every single counselor told me (and some told him too) that he had some deep issues to work through because these issues kept him trapped in a place of fear and pain. All three of my personal counselors had asked me, “Why are you I still married to this man”? I was stunned every time … LOYALTY was the first thought that popped into my head; Loyalty to him first, then loyalty to my children next. I just had to stay married to be loyal and true to my word despite how unhealthy our marriage had become and how miserable we both were not to mention that is was rubbing off onto our children in many ways!
Well, thank God, I was on a mission to be healthy; too look within myself and find answers. And most of all; be an honorable roll model for my children. To be honest that is when the idea of “loyalty” took a shift. “How can I teach my children to be healthy functioning adults if I a not willing to so that for myself first”? My boundaries became stronger, my path became clearer over time, and learning to honor myself became a new way of thinking. And guess what my children understood why Mommy and Daddy were getting a divorce. On the night I told my children, they both interrupted me and told me, “It is like you and Daddy are walking down separate paths” …
My children are fine! The three of us are much happier and I am much healthier emotionally and physically! I am much clearer on where my loyalty and honor stands.
