"A Healthy Divorce is Better Than an Unhealthy Marriage"

I had the opportunity to see and visit a girl friend I had not spent any time with in the last year and a half or so due to our busy lives. My friend Cindy was invited to come to the auction dinner that my kids’ school hosted by a mutual friend. Cindy, dear Cindy – love her! She works with my x-husband at the hospital and so it was through him that we have become friends over the years. She was disappointed to hear that I am divorcing. My friend Cindy was just so stuck on the idea that divorce negatively effects the children; I don’t remember the exact word she used – but says that no matter what, divorce damages children. Then went on to say that unless a relationship is abusive people should stay married (if there are children) … and she commented that she thinks too much like Laura Schlessinger.

Well, I just listened to her. Of course she would not hear me when I said my relationship was abusive – emotionally it was abusive (on another day I will recommend some books to read if you think you are in an emotional abusive relationship). But if you know my X and me, you too would be in disbelief to hear this and brush it off with a “Ya right” under your breath. It was not my goal in that moment or anytime for that matter to convince my friend of anything. I was just happy to see her and hear what she has been up to in the last year and an half.

BUT my mind loves to talk to me and so it did in the wee hours of the night before falling asleep. I really must say something about this idea that divorce damaging children. In my case, my children are fine. With some divorces I bet children do suffer and the children pay dearly (my parents divorce was not easy for me). In another article on another day I can share why I think this happens. But for now I want to address the women (and men- but especially women) who really want to leave an unhealthy marriage to honor themselves.

Loyalty and Honor: family loyalty is conflicting with the idea of self loyalty. When does the woman put herself first?

My situation: For years 5 and half years I struggled with the idea of divorcing my husband. I went to counseling; we went to counseling together; in and out of counseling. During the course of those years I had seen three personal counselors and we had seen three together (I had seen six. He had seen three). I put the kids first, because I had been told by nearly every one that a divorce “hurts” the children. Many times I reflected upon my parents divorce and decide “they must” be right. I even agreed at one point to stay married to him until the kids left home after high school. But I tried everything! I honestly worked at saving y marriage for 5 and a half years – getting more tired as time went on with little on no return! To be blatant, my X did not work at our marriage at all in the later years. It was easier for him to tell me how messed up I was. Every single counselor told me (and some told him too) that he had some deep issues to work through because these issues kept him trapped in a place of fear and pain. All three of my personal counselors had asked me, “Why are you I still married to this man”? I was stunned every time … LOYALTY was the first thought that popped into my head; Loyalty to him first, then loyalty to my children next. I just had to stay married to be loyal and true to my word despite how unhealthy our marriage had become and how miserable we both were not to mention that is was rubbing off onto our children in many ways!

Well, thank God, I was on a mission to be healthy; too look within myself and find answers. And most of all; be an honorable roll model for my children. To be honest that is when the idea of “loyalty” took a shift. “How can I teach my children to be healthy functioning adults if I a not willing to so that for myself first”? My boundaries became stronger, my path became clearer over time, and learning to honor myself became a new way of thinking. And guess what my children understood why Mommy and Daddy were getting a divorce. On the night I told my children, they both interrupted me and told me, “It is like you and Daddy are walking down separate paths” …

My children are fine! The three of us are much happier and I am much healthier emotionally and physically! I am much clearer on where my loyalty and honor stands.

"By Letting Go It All Gets Done"

I don't find myself really needing to talk much about my divorce and the process it takes to get through mine, but today I am feeling differently about that; mainly because I had an Oprah type aha moment but upgraded it to a holy shit is this for real? moment … and I am not the swearing type.

Here is a brief and hopefully objective history of the latest “stage” my x-husband and I are working through to get this divorce final.

This is about health insurance and an employer provided benefit package designed to set aside additional money to help cover our additional health care costs which are not covered by the insurance policy like co-pays and such. Several months ago (back in April) my x-husband verbally told me that he would keep me on the insurance as long as we are still legally married (which I am being told he has to do anyway) and that he would continue to set aside money for the kids, including my share, into this benefit plan.

At the beginning of January, I checked the account for funds because it was time to take my kids to their annual eye exam and my son was requesting to visit my acupuncturist. I found no money in the account … I call my X … couple days pass, I email him … He calls back and tells me, “Oh I guess I did not get that paperwork in on time”. The paperwork to participate in this benefit plan was due the end of November 2008! It was January when he tells – after I ask. So the dialog begins … Me: “Your word was to continue to provide” … X: “I think you should pay, I can’t afford it now”. … Me: “This money has always been coming out of your pay checks; of course you can afford it”. … X: “No, you pay the co-pays. You have a job now and then we will talk about it”. … Blah, blah, blah. Believe me, I came up with at least four ways to solve this and make it a win-win for both of us. Basically it appears he has changed is mind and doesn’t want to provide this benefit for anybody anymore – BUT he also thinks he can use money to control me (very long 20-year story). Short conversations went on for about two weeks with no resolution, not even one step, towards any progress.

I wanted to get mad. I felt the old patterns of control and manipulation surfacing. I was wondering what was going through is head, why was he being so difficult, he gave me his word … The basic mind chatter … The basic crazy making. I have spent the last three weeks (and with no word from him) really mulling over what I really want in terms of a marriage settlement.

So this morning I was thinking about it again. I felt my energy draining. “STOP”, I say, “My energy belongs to me and his energy belongs to him”. … “I need to react differently otherwise everything that went wrong in our relationship remains the same”. I felt a wave come over me -- I really think there is a deep underlining feeling that he needs to fill a gap, my gap, my need for extra financial support until I am able to completely provide for myself and my kids. But I do make enough money and I am making a little more each month. I have to let go of this idea that I need “rescue money” and trust myself to make all the money I am capable of making – which is endless. I’d rather use my energy in positive ways to build my business and investments rather than use my energy chasing my X to provide when he simply is not interested. … I let this feeling go and invited the trust-in-myself to come in its place.

I firmly decided that I will rewrite the current marriage settlement that I wrote back in October. I change my mind on asking for spousal support and the benefit plan for additional health care costs. He does pay child support and that will remain the same. I will ask that he give additionally what he can and to give from his heart otherwise I just do not want the money. I simply will not give the energy it may take to get the additional money on a regular basis – in the end it is not worth it.

So here comes the moment … He had the kids today after school for a few hours. He dropped them off as usual, we exchanged hellos, thanks yous and good byes and he left. I had couple of chores to wrap up before I settled in with my kids for the night. I went to the garage and I hear my X calling my name. I met him halfway up the driveway and he handed me $35 and said “I am sure that the tooth fairy will be visiting tonight” (and our daughter did indeed lose a tooth later; right before bedtime). Not to let my X see, but my mouth dropped open and my eyes widened --- wow! I told him Thank you! What he did and what I felt was exactly what I was talking to myself about earlier in the day. He really gave that money from his heart. I am 100% sure that I let go of a hindering thought today and by me letting go, it gave him the space to do what he did – give us $35 from his heart. AND I did not have to say a word out loud to anybody!

“By letting it go it all gets done.

The world is won by those who let it go.

But when you try and try.

The world is beyond the winning.”

~ Lao Tzu

Good night,

Jules

A Quote for Today: February

My friend Melina came over with her daughter this evening. It has been a few weeks since we have had time to catch up with each other and just visit. Mel brought me a gift -- a wall hanging -- perfect for my office! It reads:

"Success is not the key to happiness
Happiness is the key to success.
If you love what you are doing, you will be successful" --Buddha

Book Review: "This is easy to read, simple to understand and a good place to start"!

I highly recommend this book for one very simple reason. It sheds light on a large portion of the driving force of our economy -- something we cannot change; Family Spending Cycles. There are so many factors in calculating why the economy is doing what it is at any given time. Many more factors to consider in order to predict an economy. But to understand a major driving force of our economy here in the United States gives insight and some comfort in knowing that it is just a cycle like anything else and in time will cycle back.

Harry S. Dent Jr. says, “An old economy must die for a new one to emerge”.

The book I recommend is called Roaring 2000’s, by Harry S. Dent Jr. Then read his latest book, The Great Depression Ahead. But don't let that title scare you. Be informed, be empowered, be in position to ride this economy out!

Our economy is driven by Family Spending Cycles. And you don't have to be an economist to understand this!

Consumption: How the average family spends money shows in predictable patterns over time. Harry S. Dent Jr. calls this pattern the “S” Curve.

People hit the work force @ average age 19
People get married @ average age 25.5 (men @ 27, women @ 24)
First child @ average age of 27.5
Starter home is purchased @ average of 33 –34
By the average age of 43 the largest home is purchased
Family Spending Cycles peaks @ average age of 46.5 – years 2008-2009
After 46 spending becomes discretionary (move into travel and leisure spending) *but end of Family Spending!

So basically pay attention to the largest populations of people moving through life now; here in the United States and in other Countries. Harry S. Dent Jr. explains this and so much more. I must say though, in some countries the generation cycles are not key to growth simply due to standard of living – people are poor (health care is poor) and don’t live long enough.

One more thing I'd like to highlight that Harry S. Dent Jr. talks about; the internet. The Internet is the key to the next information revolution - a 500 year cycle. The last information revolution began in 1440 with the printing press. 500 years later, in 1947, we have the transistor, which is the basis for today’s computer and communications technology. We are only 62 years in to the next revolution ... just imagine what is still to come!

Enjoy,
Jules

If you want to buy either Roaring 2000's or The Great Depression Ahead by Harry S. Dent Jr., visit Copia's Bookshelf in the column to the right. Just scroll down the page and you will see it. Also, sign-up for my FREE monthly Journal and be a part of a growing community of women moving in new directions!

Women Want o Talk About Money!

It is really wonderful to see the woman I have come into contact with get so excited about the topic of money! If this is the first article you have read on my blog, then let me share this with you first before I continue.

I started a women's investment club in November 2004. The group has changed the lives of all its members in more ways than just learning how to invest, actually investing and even earning more money. Somehow the path that the club has taken us has enriched all areas of each of our lives.

The investment club just added five new members in January and we are now at capacity according to the club's bylaws. BUT word is getting out and more women are very interested in what we are doing. And I would love nothing more than to somehow reach these women who are interested. This is so exciting to me! When I first started the club, I asked all my friends if they would be interested in such a club and guess what? I was amazed at how many of my girls friends told me "No thank you, my husband takes care of our investments". Well, I was married then (Still am but am now going through a divorce now)and my husband was not interested in investments. I had always been interested, but nobody taught me, not high school, not my parents, not even college. Anyway, I had decided it was time to learn on my own and I wanted a comfortable environment to learn in so I created a women's investment club.

So now what I am doing is starting a FREE monthly journal that you can get through email. This journal will share all that I am learning and all that the investment club does. I am in the process of building a website that will offer so much more than the monthly journal. This is is how I will reach all of you who are interested in what I am doing and what my investment club is doing and MORE!

And stay in touch with me because I have more plans evolving that will knock your socks off. I can not sit still just thinking about them and the possibilities!

Enjoy the day!
Jules

Oh and to sign-up for the FREE monthly Journal, just look in the column on the right near the top!

A Quote for Today: January

"If you do not see great riches in your imagination,
you will never see them in your bank balance".
~Napoleon Hill

Would you like to find FREE Babysitting?

Have I mentioned yet that I am part of a wonderful community of 16 families who share in babysitting each others' children? Well, a year ago one of my friends asked me if I would like to join a babysitting Co-Op that she was starting. Many of us were doing the "Date Night Swap" deal where we were individually trying to find babysitters to get a day of shopping in, uninterrupted house cleaning done or even a DATE with our husbands every once in a while. If our kids ended up on a "play date" with our friends' kids, we always some how reciprocated with watching their children in return sometime in the near future. Well a real system was put into place when my friend, Shannon, decided to start our babysitting co-op. We meet as a group every two months to discuss business. We each take turns at being the secretary; who takes sit requests and finds families within our group to sit for us. It is all kept "official" with a point system. We all have very similar parenting styles which makes it very nice. It feels really good to have an adult watching my children! And when it is time for the "sitter" to go home it feels even better to leave that $8.00 (I have sometimes had to pay as much as $15.00) an hour in my pocket! And I must add the stronger bounds we have all made are simply wonderful!

You know what, if your are interested in learning how to start your own babysitting co-op, subscribe to my FREE monthly Journal! I will share how to do things like this in my publication!

Jules

Investment Club Meeting: October

We moved our meeting up a week so that we would have more time to plan for our club's Open House we are having in November. I am so excited about this, I can hardly sit still!

I presented the draft changes to our by-laws to the group and the suggestions were all well received by every member.

We will put together a Power Point presentation, hosting food and wine and one of our members is designing our invitations, we will have a hand-on activity, some members will share testimonials! I have such good feeling about the Open House, the prospect of new members and the changes we are making as a group!

A Quote for Today: September

Today I share some of my favorite Oprah Winfrey quotes. Others may have said them too because some of these I have heard similar versions before, but Oprah is quoted as saying these and I resonate with them:

"I believe the every single event in life happens in a opportunity to choose love or fear".

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough".

"My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment".

IRS Debt -- What I Found Out

It is just becoming apparent to me just how many ties and strings (on many levels) there are to unwind when married people go separate ways. This part is beginning to really fascinate me. First of all I am honestly over much of the anger I was feeling that drove me to the decision to divorce my husband. I had made this decision back in September 2007 and told him then too. So I have been unweaving the emotional ties for several months now. I can really take a step back an make observation about the process without the emotional upheaval. I find this prospective interesting. Anyway, we do not have much in assets together, but we do have debt with the IRS. And now I am working on cutting my connection with him on this too. I am happy to pay the IRS my half, but not his. The IRS (so I hear) doesn't see a married couple at two people even after a divorce; if one doesn't pay they go after the x-spouse until the debt is paid in full.

Well, I made a phone call today and told the IRS agent on the phone my situation which is that I had set up a payment plan a few moths ago to pay off our IRS debt. My soon to be x-husband has not paid for his portion of the payment in a timely matter two months in a row and the payment plan is now cancelled. I proceeded to tell her additional personal information and asked how can I get my half separated from his half. Now here is the the most interesting part ... the first IRS agent I spoke with told me there was nothing I could do about this .. she simply said that we were married for those tax years owed and we owe them together. I hung up, yes frustrated ... and you know what I did. I got back on the phone and called the IRS up again. A different IRS agent came on the line. Now I must add that callers get placed on hold until the next available agent comes on the line. I had waited nearly 20 minutes for the first agent and about 15 for the second agent. I proceeded to tell my same story to the second IRS agent and she said that I might qualify for Innocent Spouse Relief and Separation of Liability and Equitable Relief and to fill out form 8857!

Wow! I am so glad I listen to my urge to call back ... something just told me to call back. And yes, I found the form online, filld it out and mailed it in. I'll keep you posted.

A Quote for Today: July

This is written in the Hebrew Talmud...

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

Investment Club Meeting: July

I would have gone to my investment club meeting tonight, but we cancelled it. It is summer time and too many members are on vacation and we have to have a quorum to have a meeting.

A Quote for Today: June

F.E.A.R.

False Evidence Appearing Real

90% of what stops people from realizing their dreams is FEAR

I have heard this said many time in various places. Thought I'd share it here.

Moving to Carmel

Okay so that was easy! Yahoo! I met with the owner of the house in Carmel. I basically said I wanted to move in and he said okay -- all on a gentle man's hand shake. And I needed that kind of neighborly agreement -- no credit checks and hoops to jump through! The divorce is leaving my financial side of life in a bit of a mess which is completely fixable, but I have to rent now and I certainly am not interested in telling a potential land lord my "story". The way I see it; I have two kids to put a roof over and I will see to it that the rent is always paid regardless of what credit history looks like. And some people just can't get past that credit report.

Anyway, I feel very blessed today! (And must say feeling empowered as well) And the adventure has begun! The house is not available until July 15^th! My kids and I have to move out of our house by July 1^st! But there is studio apartment with a separate entrance down stairs in this house in Carmel and the owner said we can move into that until the 15^th. With everything else falling in to place the way that it did that will work!

Whoohoo!

Investment Club Meeting: June

I went to my monthly investment club meeting tonight. Our current president opened up the discussion about increasing our membership. We currently have five women in the club and our by-laws allow for 12 members. After discussion of this, some of the members like the small group and the rest of us (including me) would like to see more women join. I made some suggestions for changes ... I think everyone will consider. I'll let you know if we implement this changes. I think they are exciting and over all improvements!

We also talked about what will do as a group for community service this year. It looks like we will volunteer at the local food bank in September.

We did not journal this evening due to our journaling leader is out of town.

Moving Day is Nearing

It is amazing how life works. I have been sharing all along that I am getting a divorce -- husband moved out. My kids and I have to move out of our house too because we rent and the owner is putting the house on the market. We have to move out by July 1. I have not yet found a place to move to. I did make a list of all that I want in a house and all the criteria I need in order to make this move a smooth transition.

I did find a house just down the street, that fits my needs, but I would have to have a roommate! I have someone in mind, but I am getting a feeling about it – you know one of those gut feelings. Anyway on the same day I found this house and spoke to the owner another friend calls me up and tells me about a fantastic house in Carmel. A mutual friend lives in the house and is moving out of state. But I really think I want to stay in Pacific Grove, plus I think I found this house down the street. Well my gut feeling keeps gnawing and the idea of moving in the house down the street no longer seems effortless. So I call my other friend back and tell her I want to see this house in Carmel.

I go today to see this house and my friend who lives there – Wow! I am impressed! It is a big house! It is a nice house! … with a view of the lagoon from every room being rented under market value. The house has everything on my list to meet my desires in a house; you know things like a garage, laundry room, at least two bedrooms etc… Now I just have to meet with the owner of the house …

I want to rent this house! I have 20 days left to find a place! … and honestly I am not stressed about.

A Quote for Today: May

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"! -- Unkown

Successful Yard Sale

I had my yard sale today. I took a car load of stuff over to where the community yard sale was happening and I'd say it was quite successful. Nearly everything was sold and I have $300.00 in my pocket -- Yipee! I was done by 1:00pm. It feels really good to have less stuff and know that others are happy to have what no longer needed.

Looking for a Job ... part II

And this tops the email I received on Monday from a friend about a job!

So, I was at my kids’ school earlier today. It is “soup day” and I was there helping my son’s 3^rd grade class serve homemade soups to other students for lunch when someone from the office came down to the classroom to see me. She whispered that the person who was hired to take the office assistant job in July had just called to say she can not take the job after all and asked if I was still interested!

You bet I am still interested! As a single mom to be this is my interim dream job! I will work the same hours my kids are in school and have the same holiday schedule too!

I immediately contacted a member of the hiring committee and scheduled myself and interview!

Investment Club Meeting: May

I started a women's investment club four years ago. I had always wanted to learn about investing in the stock market and investing in real estate. So I decided to start a club. Three of my friends (after asking many) decided to join me and help start one.

The investment club meets once a month; the second Wednesday of each month. We are structured as a general partnership complete with by-laws. We do have club dues and currently invest in the stock market together with those funds.

Last night was our May meeting. We just started a journaling series (we do many activities around the theme of money besides investing) and I want to share with you the activity we did last night.

Last year, one of the club's members discovered a book called “The Energy of Money,” by Maria Nemeth. As a club we occasionally like to read books together. We have started to explore this book chapter by chapter together. Last night we each wrote and shared our "Money Biographies'. It was fascinating to write about and hear about the negativity around money that we each were exposed to while growing up. We each had positive ideas around money while growing up too. And our stories were so different from each others. Already I can see that the author, Maria Nemeth, is demonstrating that our ideas about money can be debilitating or empowering.

The club will work from chapter 2 at our August meeting.