"By Letting Go It All Gets Done"

I don't find myself really needing to talk much about my divorce and the process it takes to get through mine, but today I am feeling differently about that; mainly because I had an Oprah type aha moment but upgraded it to a holy shit is this for real? moment … and I am not the swearing type.

Here is a brief and hopefully objective history of the latest “stage” my x-husband and I are working through to get this divorce final.

This is about health insurance and an employer provided benefit package designed to set aside additional money to help cover our additional health care costs which are not covered by the insurance policy like co-pays and such. Several months ago (back in April) my x-husband verbally told me that he would keep me on the insurance as long as we are still legally married (which I am being told he has to do anyway) and that he would continue to set aside money for the kids, including my share, into this benefit plan.

At the beginning of January, I checked the account for funds because it was time to take my kids to their annual eye exam and my son was requesting to visit my acupuncturist. I found no money in the account … I call my X … couple days pass, I email him … He calls back and tells me, “Oh I guess I did not get that paperwork in on time”. The paperwork to participate in this benefit plan was due the end of November 2008! It was January when he tells – after I ask. So the dialog begins … Me: “Your word was to continue to provide” … X: “I think you should pay, I can’t afford it now”. … Me: “This money has always been coming out of your pay checks; of course you can afford it”. … X: “No, you pay the co-pays. You have a job now and then we will talk about it”. … Blah, blah, blah. Believe me, I came up with at least four ways to solve this and make it a win-win for both of us. Basically it appears he has changed is mind and doesn’t want to provide this benefit for anybody anymore – BUT he also thinks he can use money to control me (very long 20-year story). Short conversations went on for about two weeks with no resolution, not even one step, towards any progress.

I wanted to get mad. I felt the old patterns of control and manipulation surfacing. I was wondering what was going through is head, why was he being so difficult, he gave me his word … The basic mind chatter … The basic crazy making. I have spent the last three weeks (and with no word from him) really mulling over what I really want in terms of a marriage settlement.

So this morning I was thinking about it again. I felt my energy draining. “STOP”, I say, “My energy belongs to me and his energy belongs to him”. … “I need to react differently otherwise everything that went wrong in our relationship remains the same”. I felt a wave come over me -- I really think there is a deep underlining feeling that he needs to fill a gap, my gap, my need for extra financial support until I am able to completely provide for myself and my kids. But I do make enough money and I am making a little more each month. I have to let go of this idea that I need “rescue money” and trust myself to make all the money I am capable of making – which is endless. I’d rather use my energy in positive ways to build my business and investments rather than use my energy chasing my X to provide when he simply is not interested. … I let this feeling go and invited the trust-in-myself to come in its place.

I firmly decided that I will rewrite the current marriage settlement that I wrote back in October. I change my mind on asking for spousal support and the benefit plan for additional health care costs. He does pay child support and that will remain the same. I will ask that he give additionally what he can and to give from his heart otherwise I just do not want the money. I simply will not give the energy it may take to get the additional money on a regular basis – in the end it is not worth it.

So here comes the moment … He had the kids today after school for a few hours. He dropped them off as usual, we exchanged hellos, thanks yous and good byes and he left. I had couple of chores to wrap up before I settled in with my kids for the night. I went to the garage and I hear my X calling my name. I met him halfway up the driveway and he handed me $35 and said “I am sure that the tooth fairy will be visiting tonight” (and our daughter did indeed lose a tooth later; right before bedtime). Not to let my X see, but my mouth dropped open and my eyes widened --- wow! I told him Thank you! What he did and what I felt was exactly what I was talking to myself about earlier in the day. He really gave that money from his heart. I am 100% sure that I let go of a hindering thought today and by me letting go, it gave him the space to do what he did – give us $35 from his heart. AND I did not have to say a word out loud to anybody!

“By letting it go it all gets done.

The world is won by those who let it go.

But when you try and try.

The world is beyond the winning.”

~ Lao Tzu

Good night,

Jules

Would you like to find FREE Babysitting?

Have I mentioned yet that I am part of a wonderful community of 16 families who share in babysitting each others' children? Well, a year ago one of my friends asked me if I would like to join a babysitting Co-Op that she was starting. Many of us were doing the "Date Night Swap" deal where we were individually trying to find babysitters to get a day of shopping in, uninterrupted house cleaning done or even a DATE with our husbands every once in a while. If our kids ended up on a "play date" with our friends' kids, we always some how reciprocated with watching their children in return sometime in the near future. Well a real system was put into place when my friend, Shannon, decided to start our babysitting co-op. We meet as a group every two months to discuss business. We each take turns at being the secretary; who takes sit requests and finds families within our group to sit for us. It is all kept "official" with a point system. We all have very similar parenting styles which makes it very nice. It feels really good to have an adult watching my children! And when it is time for the "sitter" to go home it feels even better to leave that $8.00 (I have sometimes had to pay as much as $15.00) an hour in my pocket! And I must add the stronger bounds we have all made are simply wonderful!

You know what, if your are interested in learning how to start your own babysitting co-op, subscribe to my FREE monthly Journal! I will share how to do things like this in my publication!

Jules

Investment Club Meeting: November Open House

Yes! ... Ahh! It was a very success evening and I had such a good time. I really do love being in a group of women where we discuss money; the entire topic and all the that this topic encompasses.

We had 15 women come to our investment club's Open House! That alone I feel is worth celebrating! We have 7 open seats for new members in the club and I have every reason to believe we will fill those seats!

The responses from all the guests were positive and enthusiastic. We do have a process to join. Prospective members must attend at least two regular monthly meetings. We will have a regular meeting next month since we held the Open House in place of our regular meeting.

Investment Club Meeting: October

We moved our meeting up a week so that we would have more time to plan for our club's Open House we are having in November. I am so excited about this, I can hardly sit still!

I presented the draft changes to our by-laws to the group and the suggestions were all well received by every member.

We will put together a Power Point presentation, hosting food and wine and one of our members is designing our invitations, we will have a hand-on activity, some members will share testimonials! I have such good feeling about the Open House, the prospect of new members and the changes we are making as a group!

Investment Club Meeting: August

This was an exciting meeting for me tonight. I get into one of these spaces where my ideas just come enthusiastically spewing out. Since all members were present, our current president re-opened the subject of increasing membership and taking a new direction for the club... bringing back some of what we used to do, improve on what we currently do and add more to our monthly meetings. This is what got me all jazzed!

This investment club has supported so many women over the last four years -- it is really more than just an investment club. Through this club we educate ourselves, broaden our comfort zones, go within to explore our relationships with money, set goals and achieve them, support each other no matter what pace anybody is at. Since I founded this club, I take great pride in seeing growth in all who have come and gone in the club.. I want more for this club and I want to see more women join and gain.

After long and thoughtful discussions, the group has asked me to make a draft revision of our by-laws to review at our next meeting. We also will discuss holding an open house in November to recruit new members! Yeah!

Another Successful Yard Sale

I am so happy to be getting rid of so much. I am the type the does not like to accumulate items and I do go through closets on a regular basis, but when moving it really forces me to let stuff go -- I love. I had another yard sale today. This will be the last one because I need to move by the end of the month! Made another $300.00 today, I'd say that was a success! Yahoo!
And I have to add that a very cool thunder storm came through today -- made for a nice way to end the yard sale!

Moving to Carmel

Okay so that was easy! Yahoo! I met with the owner of the house in Carmel. I basically said I wanted to move in and he said okay -- all on a gentle man's hand shake. And I needed that kind of neighborly agreement -- no credit checks and hoops to jump through! The divorce is leaving my financial side of life in a bit of a mess which is completely fixable, but I have to rent now and I certainly am not interested in telling a potential land lord my "story". The way I see it; I have two kids to put a roof over and I will see to it that the rent is always paid regardless of what credit history looks like. And some people just can't get past that credit report.

Anyway, I feel very blessed today! (And must say feeling empowered as well) And the adventure has begun! The house is not available until July 15^th! My kids and I have to move out of our house by July 1^st! But there is studio apartment with a separate entrance down stairs in this house in Carmel and the owner said we can move into that until the 15^th. With everything else falling in to place the way that it did that will work!

Whoohoo!

Moving Day is Nearing

It is amazing how life works. I have been sharing all along that I am getting a divorce -- husband moved out. My kids and I have to move out of our house too because we rent and the owner is putting the house on the market. We have to move out by July 1. I have not yet found a place to move to. I did make a list of all that I want in a house and all the criteria I need in order to make this move a smooth transition.

I did find a house just down the street, that fits my needs, but I would have to have a roommate! I have someone in mind, but I am getting a feeling about it – you know one of those gut feelings. Anyway on the same day I found this house and spoke to the owner another friend calls me up and tells me about a fantastic house in Carmel. A mutual friend lives in the house and is moving out of state. But I really think I want to stay in Pacific Grove, plus I think I found this house down the street. Well my gut feeling keeps gnawing and the idea of moving in the house down the street no longer seems effortless. So I call my other friend back and tell her I want to see this house in Carmel.

I go today to see this house and my friend who lives there – Wow! I am impressed! It is a big house! It is a nice house! … with a view of the lagoon from every room being rented under market value. The house has everything on my list to meet my desires in a house; you know things like a garage, laundry room, at least two bedrooms etc… Now I just have to meet with the owner of the house …

I want to rent this house! I have 20 days left to find a place! … and honestly I am not stressed about.

A Quote for Today: May

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"! -- Unkown

Looking for a Job ... part II

And this tops the email I received on Monday from a friend about a job!

So, I was at my kids’ school earlier today. It is “soup day” and I was there helping my son’s 3^rd grade class serve homemade soups to other students for lunch when someone from the office came down to the classroom to see me. She whispered that the person who was hired to take the office assistant job in July had just called to say she can not take the job after all and asked if I was still interested!

You bet I am still interested! As a single mom to be this is my interim dream job! I will work the same hours my kids are in school and have the same holiday schedule too!

I immediately contacted a member of the hiring committee and scheduled myself and interview!