Here is a brief and hopefully objective history of the latest “stage” my x-husband and I are working through to get this divorce final.
This is about health insurance and an employer provided benefit package designed to set aside additional money to help cover our additional health care costs which are not covered by the insurance policy like co-pays and such. Several months ago (back in April) my x-husband verbally told me that he would keep me on the insurance as long as we are still legally married (which I am being told he has to do anyway) and that he would continue to set aside money for the kids, including my share, into this benefit plan.
At the beginning of January, I checked the account for funds because it was time to take my kids to their annual eye exam and my son was requesting to visit my acupuncturist. I found no money in the account … I call my X … couple days pass, I email him … He calls back and tells me, “Oh I guess I did not get that paperwork in on time”. The paperwork to participate in this benefit plan was due the end of November 2008! It was January when he tells – after I ask. So the dialog begins … Me: “Your word was to continue to provide” … X: “I think you should pay, I can’t afford it now”. … Me: “This money has always been coming out of your pay checks; of course you can afford it”. … X: “No, you pay the co-pays. You have a job now and then we will talk about it”. … Blah, blah, blah. Believe me, I came up with at least four ways to solve this and make it a win-win for both of us. Basically it appears he has changed is mind and doesn’t want to provide this benefit for anybody anymore – BUT he also thinks he can use money to control me (very long 20-year story). Short conversations went on for about two weeks with no resolution, not even one step, towards any progress.
I wanted to get mad. I felt the old patterns of control and manipulation surfacing. I was wondering what was going through is head, why was he being so difficult, he gave me his word … The basic mind chatter … The basic crazy making. I have spent the last three weeks (and with no word from him) really mulling over what I really want in terms of a marriage settlement.
So this morning I was thinking about it again. I felt my energy draining. “STOP”, I say, “My energy belongs to me and his energy belongs to him”. … “I need to react differently otherwise everything that went wrong in our relationship remains the same”. I felt a wave come over me -- I really think there is a deep underlining feeling that he needs to fill a gap, my gap, my need for extra financial support until I am able to completely provide for myself and my kids. But I do make enough money and I am making a little more each month. I have to let go of this idea that I need “rescue money” and trust myself to make all the money I am capable of making – which is endless. I’d rather use my energy in positive ways to build my business and investments rather than use my energy chasing my X to provide when he simply is not interested. … I let this feeling go and invited the trust-in-myself to come in its place.
I firmly decided that I will rewrite the current marriage settlement that I wrote back in October. I change my mind on asking for spousal support and the benefit plan for additional health care costs. He does pay child support and that will remain the same. I will ask that he give additionally what he can and to give from his heart otherwise I just do not want the money. I simply will not give the energy it may take to get the additional money on a regular basis – in the end it is not worth it.
So here comes the moment … He had the kids today after school for a few hours. He dropped them off as usual, we exchanged hellos, thanks yous and good byes and he left. I had couple of chores to wrap up before I settled in with my kids for the night. I went to the garage and I hear my X calling my name. I met him halfway up the driveway and he handed me $35 and said “I am sure that the tooth fairy will be visiting tonight” (and our daughter did indeed lose a tooth later; right before bedtime). Not to let my X see, but my mouth dropped open and my eyes widened --- wow! I told him Thank you! What he did and what I felt was exactly what I was talking to myself about earlier in the day. He really gave that money from his heart. I am 100% sure that I let go of a hindering thought today and by me letting go, it gave him the space to do what he did – give us $35 from his heart. AND I did not have to say a word out loud to anybody!
“By letting it go it all gets done.
The world is won by those who let it go.
But when you try and try.
The world is beyond the winning.”
~ Lao Tzu
Good night,
Jules
